Monday, September 22, 2014

The struggle.

Hi lovelies, Oiiiii sorry for being MIA like that. I hope everyone is doing fine, I am doing well, working, living life in Phnom Penh doing the usual. I haven't been upto much since I last wrote in July. Well I celebrated my birthday in August and it turned out to be one epic night. I am getting old people!! haha

Other than that I find that I have been somewhat struggling with a few things lately. I am beginning to wonder about my future plans, present state etc etc. I wonder if I am really living life to the fullest, if there is more I can do to add a little bit more adventure into my life. I have been asking myself what it is I really want to do. Do I want to continue living in Cambodia? If so, for how long? and why? What more can Cambodia offer me...oh boy is that you quarter life crisis???

Do not get me wrong, I LOVE Cambodia. It is while living here in Cambodia that I really grew up. It is here in Cambodia that I have learned some of the hardest life lessons. It is here that I have met amazing people, people that I have formed bonds with that I think will last a lifetime. It is here that I have met people who made me challenge some of the beliefs that I had (especially religious beliefs). It is here that my eyes were opened to some of the evils of the world. It is here that I realised just how proud of my African/black heritage I am.It is while here in Cambodia I decided to cut off my chemically straightened hair, and decided to keep my hair in its natural state, which for me was a small way of saying eff your beauty standards world. It is while living here in Cambodia that I went through what I call "my awakening phase" LOL and learned about all the things I am so passionate about now, such as racism, feminism, white privilege, male privilege, thin privilege, fat discrimination. It is here that I learned exactly how white supremacy works. (I am still a newbie in all these issues, but everyday I am learning) I learned about what is really happening to Africa, all the looting of our resources by the West in cahoots with the corrupt leaders they back up. I learned why it is very important to the west that most of Africa(and the world actually) remains plagued with war and instability. I know now that they do not give a single shit about Africans, which is very funny, coz growing up back in Africa we had the mentality that the white man is "good" and is helping us. I see that mentality still when the other day I was watching the news and these Liberians were being interviewed and they were just gushing at how happy they were coz Obama has said he is sending "help" to deal with ebola. That made me chuckle. I learned that America is not the land of milk and honey as it is made out to be. It is not the land of the free, it is not the land of freedom and democracy. Oh the lies we have lived in. It is while living in Cambodia I learned about all the wars funded by the west, about how they use the media as a huge propaganda machine etc. It is here in Cambodia that I interacted with people from all over the world, Asians, South Americans, Europeans, other Africans, Americans, Britons, people from all over, and I very quickly realised that what they think about Africa was absolutely ridiculous and at times even insulting. The sheer ignorance was a bit too much to understand sometimes. People who cannot name a single musician or song from any of the 54 countries in Africa, but will give you shit for not knowing every word of the bohemian rhapsody. The audacity. The superiority they feel over you could be felt in their very subtle, very casual condescending comments , haha. (obviously not everyone I have met has been like this)  It is here that I learned some dangers of voluntourism and white savior mentality. I have learned that everyone I thought I knew about poverty was basically a lie. Poverty is alot more than 'lazy people', Poverty is a complicated monster and it is at the very least a political issue. I realised my passion for travel while living here in Cambodia, but very quickly realised that if you are a black person holding an African passport, the odds of getting visas even to the simplest of countries are so much against you it is not even a joke!!! I could say more about this, but ill leave that for another post.

Learning about all these things has changed the way I view the world. The way I think, the way  I analyze situations, the way I react to international news. Learning all these things has changed me as a person in ways I doubt id have changed had I never left Kenya. I will forever treasure Cambodia for this. But I have been struggling. Struggling with the fact that maybe, just maybe my time here is coming to a close end. No I am not saying I am leaving any time soon. I am just saying the thought of leaving is popping into my head a lot more often nowadays.

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